My Reflection bout random things

I'm bored. Lately, I feel bored with my routine. I tend to feel this whenever end of year is approaching, with all my friends are planning to gather to celebrate New Year's eve, I start to feel like I want to turn back time to when I was still in high school or college, surrounded by friends, and everything is going as I want them to be, everything is simple, and today's problem can be solved tomorrow :) Nothing was really matter then, my real problem was my crazy lecturer who gave us "F" point for hijacking his test, etc etc.

Back to present time, few days lately I was very bored. I feel like everything, or maybe even everyone surround me are boring, not because of who they are, but because actually I was bored with myself. On that time, my old-bad-habit is back. I started to pity myself and my lonely, boring routine life. I started to feel less valuable, I started to feel less self-confidence, the feeling I have been struggling to push aside, the feeling that sometimes make my friends criticized me, the feeling that tend to make me too needy, by looking for everyone's attention, or contrarily just avoid all of them. This weird feeling unfortunately very often come into my mind, and I have to work so hard to push them aside, sometimes I was succeed, but more often I was failed. That's why many people consider me as unstable person, and I understand why they think so, because even I sometimes don't understand myself.

When this feeling comes, I usually will try to say mean things, do some crazy things unexpectedly, or just ask for everyone's attention and affection, pathetic isn't it?! :) I will keep sending people messages, or do whatever it takes to got their attention. Sometimes I feel self pity for myself, and I understand myself for feeling that, because I will start to feel that way only when I was really sad, depressed or lonely, so when I feel that way, which is very rarely happen, I will just do things by myself, and play some old memories I've missed so much, about anyone I love on that time. The bad thing is, when this happen, I won't feel better, and this is the part I hate. I don't criticize myself for feeling self pity, because I rarely feel that, and when that happen, I want to take my time as much as I could. When I said some mean thing, I also almost never regret it,coz I consider myself to be a quite mannered person, so I won't say cruel things to innocent people.

What I usually regret when I was in self-pity-period is when I started to become needy, asking for anyone's affection, or just giving random affection to people I'm not very close with, just to test myself and how people react in one condition. Like now, I have been feeling unhappy and easily irritated for about 2 weeks, and I have been doing some things I hate, although most of them were just in my head, but I realize that it still affect my outer appearance, I realized that I have been grumpy, and unstable lately.

Fortunately, this last two or more days, I got some reinforcement, I believe that this is God's hand, carried me through unexpected people, just exactly like how it always been. I didn't get this support from people I expected to give, but still, their words were like a cold showers, cleaned my dark heart, and I started to be able to see anything clearly again :D

I hate self pity people, and I hate envious people. Both of them is the same for me, one thing is leading to other thing. I have been there, and believe me, those feelings won't make you feel better.

When I got out from my self-pity, I's still bored, but I feel better about myself :D today is still boring, people surround me are still annoying, but I feel better about myself :) I know that I don't have to ask for people to care for me, and although they don't care for me, I know I can still have a good time for myself, and many people will still love me, no matter how I look, and no matter how I felt. Just make myself thinking that I'm happy, try to remember each thing I can feel thankful for, and it all will come as reality :)